Ask eugene:

Do you have a problem you can't seem to solve? Ask Eugene! He's got answers to everything. Need advice on relationships, work, parenting? Have a question about history, etiquette, weight loss, what music you like, or the stock market?

E-mail Eugene at Dear.eugene@eugenemirman.com. WARNING: Eugene's advice may be unhelpful and wrong. Also, answers may be good, but confusing.

Your question and his answer might be reprinted on this page. By writing Eugene you grant him the right to reprint your question here and maybe elsewhere! With no compensation except for the sweet advice itself! (Don't worry, your e-mail address will NOT be reprinted).

Dear Eugene,
I have been a struggling musician in Seattle for five years. I feel my problem is that I've been with the same girl for eight years, have been domesticated, and have to devote quite a bit of time to her. And low and behold, a few months ago she actually fessed up that she married a helium Abdul-Jabar and spent cupcake batter on a chalk outline of myself. CAN YOU BELIEVE IT !!!
Please help.......Troy in Seattle

Dear Troy,
To the first part: yes, relationships can take a lot of time and effort. Simply the amount of time it takes to convince people to let you fuck them the way that feels awesomest can be time consuming, not to mention all the other stuff: talking about the government, bar-b-q-ing, soccer games, thrift store shopping, telling people that they are pretty/ not stupid, etc. It's work. Real work. Just like a career. And if being in a relationship means giving up touring or some aspect of what you think you need to do to "make it" (that's slang for succeed), then you have to decide if it's worth it. Some things to consider: are you good? If you are not a good musician, or somehow not that special, I would quit and never mention it to people. However, what if you are amazing or even really attractive? Then you should totally keep it up. How about this, you record a fantastic EP, get it on college radio in Seattle and become a local hero. Put on interesting shows, don't be a boring shitty act. Be a kick-ass powerhouse of folk-rock-psychadelic-post-punk-guitar/noise-voter-registration-sex-Soel-astro-mood-garlic-herb-mayo -Bengali-fusion. (Some examples are Blur or the films of Robert Zemeckis). If you do blame her for your struggle (unlikely it's really her fault) then you can always break up for a year or two. Be careful though, she will dislike you and never let you in her mouth again. Oh, and the second part (low and behold...), I have no idea what you are talking about. Good luck, chief.

 Dear Eugene,
There's this weird ugly girl at my college who likes me and tries to talk to me. I don't want anything to do with her. How do I get her to stop talking to me? Being her friend isn't an option because she bothers me and makes me shudder. I've tried to drop some mean hints but she's not so bright. Solutions that involve doing drunk stuff that I wouldn't do sober are preferred or not.
-Alex (different from the Alex with the similar question)

Dear Alex,
Sounds like you have quite a dilemma. You don't really know what to say to get her to spot talking to you, but you don't want to be too mean. You should just not make sense when you talk to her. Example:
Her: Hi.
Alex: Tastes like fire.
Her: What?
Alex: Feet all soapy.
Her: Can I see your dick for a second?
Alex: Sorry, I'm not sure where I am, but maybe we can go sometime.
Her: Go where?
Alex: Bye.

 Dear Eugene,
My sister just recently moved into a new home. As I was helping her unpack one day - there was a knock on her door. I opened the door and there stood a set of very happy and pretty blonde twins, a silent guy that looked a little mistreated, and a little person (dwarf). They were all wearing neon green t-shirts and told me they were from various local church's. The little person asked me if I had any prayer requests. I looked down stunned - I felt akward because it was obvious that I was looking down at him - my eyes shifted up and then down several times. I told him I didn't want to pray and he asked me if I knew Jesus. Again...when talking to him I had NO IDEA where to look! The entire exchange was awkward and uncomfortable. The pressure was simply too much and I told him that I did know Jesus. They left me some reading material. They seemed like nice people. Do you think I offended the little man?
IfeelrudeinTexas

Dear IfeelrudeinTexas,
No. You did not offend him, unless he does not know he is little. It would have been really weird to not make eye contact and stare straight ahead. Unless you were like, "God wills that I do not look down!" And then he would have been like, "Okay. That's cool."

 dear Eugene,
there is this lady that lives with us am a 15 year old boy that wants to have sex with the lady. she is older than me. i dont know if she wanna have sex or wanna have sex with me. please tell me some tips how to get her to have sex with me and tips on how i will know if she want sex.please reply asap

Dear 15 year old boy,
I don't know. Depending on where you live and how old she is, she may be committing a crime by having sex with you. Wait until you're 16 and then ask. Then you can say things like, "16 is such a great year, want to see a picture of some of the stuff the state government thinks I can do now?" She'll either smile and walk away or stare into your eyes and give you a thumbs up and yell, "Let's put on a reality show for our eyes and mouths called Young House Mate II."

 DEAR EUGENE:
Is there any way possible to have sex and not get caught by the law if I, the male is under 18, and she, the female, is over 18? If so, how can we come about that? It's not like people will just find out right? Also, what if she becomes hesitant? Is there any way I can persuade her to calm down about it and reassure her that we will not get caught? Keep in mind, we are not boyfriend/girlfriend, just friends.
LOADED GUN

DEAR LOADED GUN:
If you're like 17 and she's not much older it won't matter. If you're like 15, I know people your age have become sexually active, but you should be careful. It's dangerous. I know a kid that lost his leg in a blowjob. Also, a lot of times these "older" women trick teens into sex to kill for them. She might want you to murder someone. (Maybe her husband the principal?) The good news is she'll probably provide the training, so by the time you get to college, you'll be a sexy one man army. The only way you will get caught, barring getting caught physically, is if you two are blabbermouths. And that raises the question, are you both crazy people? Will one of you betray the other because you are crazy? Or too young? The good news is, because of the double standard between men and women, unless your parents call the police, everyone will think you're a lucky, super-dicked teen hero. Nice job! The most persuasive thing you can do is remind her that it's not a big deal for a teen guy to have sex with an older woman, just ask every movie from the 80's.

 DEAR EUGENE:
This guy at my work (let's call him "RobertM") surfs the web instead of doing his work. If all his projects were on track, the management team would be only slightly irritated at his surfing shenanigans; but the truth is that Bob is behind, and Googling information about ice cream scoops is only making it worse. We don't want to break up with him, but you can see that the relationship is clearly headed down the river in a Buick.
Any advice?
Concerned in Concord

DEAR CONCERNED IN CONCORD:
This "RobertM" guy sounds like a real asshole. First of all, who googles ice cream scoop stuff? He should be googling people. He should be finding out where the people that he had crushes on as a child live and going over why he was afraid to talk to them. In terms of increasing productivity in an employee, I'm glad you asked. I've spent a lot of time going over some data and found a way to get employees operating at a 96% billable rate instead of the usual 60% most employers have learned to live with. Here's a few quick solutions based on the two best motivators: approval and fear.
1) In some eastern European schools they would have all the students and parents in a room and embarrass the bad students in front of everyone. Feeling ashamed, the parents would pressure their kids into being better at math. And businesses should do that. Have a meeting at your company with everyone's parents. It will be a pain to fly them all in, but everyone still needs their parents approval and your productivity will double. Once someone's mom says, "My love is contingent on your success in the business world," he'll shape up.
2) Scare your employees into being better. Maybe start having "accidents" at work where some people get beat up in the bathrooms or stuff falls on them. In Sing Sing, they would punish prisoners by putting a bucket around their neck and filling it with water, creating the sensation of drowning (for a minute or two). That makes people try more. The best part: it leaves no marks! Or just a simple fish with a knife in its head and a note that says "We want you to work harder. "

 DEAR EUGENE:
I have pms and I'm a guy!
Kevin

DEAR KEVIN:
I think you mean you get mad and feel bloated sometimes. But if you do mean pms, I would be careful. For a mans body to go through those changes means he's dieing. Eat plenty of fruits and don't go outside and you'll be fine.

 DEAR EUGENE:
This guy at my school was going out with me, he liked my best friend when we were dating, but he didn't have the guts to say it, I knew something was going on so I broke up with him. I like him, and he likes me but I don't know if I should get back together with him?! Can you help me?
JFrank

DEAR JFRANK:
Yes, I can help. You should go back out with him for a month, abuse his penis like a beanbag chair and then leave the country. On the other hand, he hurt you once, so, I don't know. The relationship doesn't sound stable, and you will probably break up again. But in the mean time, date him until it gets bad.
-Steve

 DEAR EUGENE:
You're flying down a river in a car... how many bananas does it take to fill a manhole???
YIKA

DEAR YIKA:
Good question. First of all, I bet you went to Stanford or Yale, because this type of question rarely occurs to people who went to state schools. I have to say, I think the first part isn't that relevant. I could give you a numerical answer, like 10 or 1000, but I think you'd be much happier if I said, "Monkeys in bowties," or "Sailors with apple fart hearts."

 DEAR EUGENE:
I have come to terribly dislike one of my best friends. She annoys the hell out of me. Sometimes I feel as if she is ripping of my personality and selling it to everyone as her own. Example, I was considered the weird outcast, but recently my friend is getting all the credit. I am known for my weird obsessions and mysterious nature. She was normal and popular at school. It is my belief that we built a friendship out of prudishness (we had not become sexually active like most girls our age). She was intrigued by my strangeness and wished to grasp it to fulfill her bullshit existence as a cheerleader. But now she is considered the "strange" and "intriguing" one. I know it is impossible for you to understand completely what I mean, but from a stranger's perspective is my complaint valid? Do you think she is intentionally trying to accomplish my quirky nature? Am I as fake as her? Oh god, I can't stand her! HELP!!!!

DEAR HELP!!!!:
You have quiet a problem on your hands. A cheerleader, who hates how she is perceived, has taken your love of David Lynch movies and claimed them as her own. Still, sometimes people who are lost cling to what they admire in others and even usurp it. It can be annoying to watch someone take what you feel is who you are and slowly become it, but with fantastic breasts. I've seen it happen many times, and I'd say a lot of people feel like you do. I suggest you start making your quirks ones she can't mimic. Become so mysterious, that people will even wonder if you're real, or just a sexy ghost, on her way to listen to the Flaming Lips. Some things you can do:
1) Grow a mustache that is alive!
2) Teach a dog to teach other dogs math. (It's not as easy as it sounds.)
3) Always look behind you as if you're being followed, and sometimes, run and shoot.
4) Get Nancy Reagan to come to your school and get you out of class by saying, "It's a matter of national security, she's the only one that can save us."

 DEAR EUGENE:
I have an ex-girlfriend with whom I went out with for about 10 months. Six months have passed since we broke up. Despite this time apart she continually insists on harassing me and my friends. She will accuse me of using her and never loving her. She will give my friends poems about me with lines such as "Were will you hide without your mask.", "I know who you are." and "I'm over you,". She is neither thin nor pretty. Why does she persistently annoy me Eugene? How can I get her to never talk to or about me again?
-Steve

DEAR STEVE:
It sounds like either she's crazy or you were a jerk. Probably a bit of both. Still, no one likes bad poetry. I would say write her poems back. Here's two you can use:
My mask is broken
By your super duper insight
You know me so well
I need you to never contact me again

A thousand I'm sorries
Won't help you to trust me
But I need you to trust me
I am seeing a bunch of black guys now

 DEAR EUGENE:
I'm having a hard time finding "Mr. Right." I'm not even finding "Mr. Wrong". I'm no beast and I have a pretty good personality. Any suggestions?
-Kristin

DEAR KRISTEN:
I am surprised you can't even find Mr. Wrong. There are so many people not suited for each other who are living full, upsetting lives. Perhaps you need to join a club or find an activity where you might meet someone. Some possible clubs include: Archery Club, Love Making Club. The Love Making Club is not a sex club. People only make love in this club when it feels right, which is 65% of the time.
The other suggestion is to go to cool bars and try to be sexy. Laugh at the wrong time, throw shit at people, you know, "sexy." Good luck!

 DEAR EUGENE:
There is this girl at school who is extremely fat and ugly and a year younger than me. I have told her many times that I don't like her but she won't leave me alone...what should I do? I wish she would go to hell. Please help me.
-Alex

DEAR ALEX:
That's a pretty mean thing to say. Try being her friend. Then betray her! She'll never bother you again.

 DEAR EUGENE
I am in college, going into serious amounts of debt and ruining my credit history. Every month is a struggle to barely get by. But I'm doing very well in school studying chemistry and I succeed in all my classes. Is all this worth it?
ET

DEAR ET:
Yes. College is very important. Once you master chemistry you'll be able to invent some amazing things! Money will be so easy to get once you mix some new things together that sell like hot cakes. Remember plastic? That guy is probably pretty glad he studied chemistry. Remember Vitamin Water? There's a pretty happy chemist. And your contribution? You should create Heroin II! A new super heroin that makes people laugh and then go to sleep. (Make it chewable and you will make millions).

 DEAR EUGENE:
When I thought my boyfriend and me were ready to take the next step, he confessed he was gay!!!! Is that how you men run away from women, or is he really gay? D you think I gayed him up??
--Claudia

DEAR CLAUDIA:
He is probably gay. Some people believe that being "gay" or "homosexual" is a way you are born, while others believe that being gay is a learned behavior. Few believe that there is something that women do that upset some men so much that those men, in a panic, turn gay.

 DEAR EUGENE:
I want to try horseback trail riding for one day in the summer and my friends don't think that's cool. Would you go just to say you've tried it or would you give in to the peer pressure.
Paul

DEAR PAUL:
You should go horseback riding if you want to. I'm not sure why you'd go just to say you've tried it. Sounds like your friends wouldn't want to hear about it. Don't give into peer pressure, though. I will admit that part of me doesn't understand why your friends care at all if you go horseback riding, unless there is something incredibly uncool you do while on the horse, like spray paint it or wear golf pants.

 DEAR EUGENE:
I am an avid writer, and write to relax, have fun, or mock those less fortunate than myself. Recently, however, I have run into the infamous "writer's block" I can write about stuff people tell me to write about, but can't think of anything original. Perhaps a list of ideas from you will suffice? I'm willing to write about anything...ANYTHING...
Writer's Block

DEAR WRITER'S BLOCK:
As you requested here are some topics to write about:
1) How advertising has changed over the last eighty years.
2) How to seduce anyone in under ten minutes, using nothing but a little turkey and a little gumption.
3) Why men and women are exactly the same in many ways.
4) Why women insist on doing the coo coo things they do. (For a list of those things see "What Women Want" starring Mel Gibson [Australian actor who became popular in America after appearing in such films as Nightrider, Air Wolf, and The Waltons.])

 DEAR EUGENE:
Hello. I was wondering from the boy perspective if you could tell me:
1. why boys never want to be friends
2. how you tell/signal a boy you might have flirted with that you want to be friends (w/o using those actual words) and not more
3. how you can tell if the person you're attracted to is out of you league based on looks only? my friends tell me no but they are my friends. Some sorta formula maybe?
Punchdrunkdrunk

DEAR PUNCHDRUNKDRUNK:
1) Boys want to make out and friendship ruins making out.
2) If he does something "flirty" act sick and yell. He'll get the message maybe. Here is a very simple formula:
3) (His Ass) - (Your Ass) X (How Soft You Are + Your Hair) / (His Abs + His Build) < (Your Breasts) or > (His Breasts)
Dear Eugene:
I have quite a few guys to choose from, but I'm not sure which is right for me... is there something I can do to make an easier decision?
thanks,
V-Lo

Dear V-Lo:
You could ask them questions to see which one you are most compatible with. Some possible questions are:
1) What are your favorite movies?
2) What is your favorite music group?
3) Do you have a violent past?
4) Do you want to have children? If yes, then how much. The number of children is not as important as how badly the person wants to have them.
5) What is your favorite book? (If they say, 3Anything from Europe,2 ask them to be more specific. A lot of people pretend to be well read, but can1t name any books, only continents.)
6) What is French kissing? Follow up question: Why the fuck do people do that? Follow up question: What time?
Eugene

 Dear Eugene:
This question has been really bothering me: Why is the word "abbreviation" such a big word? I don't understand : (
Pimento

Dear Pimento:
I'm not sure. Probably because the word "cat" already meant something else. Also, probably something to do with the word brevity and roots and Latin.
Eugene

 Dear Eugene:
Is mathematics created, or discovered?
Iris

Dear Iris:
I bet a lot of people debate that issue. I suggest going to a pub and forgetting about it. It1s your chance to unwind and maybe fall in love.

 Dear Eugene:
What is the meaning of life?
Chris

Dear Chris:
Some would say to be a hero to yourself. I think it is mastering the art of the "touch." Both the deadly touch and the tingly touch. Now go start a religion with this info.
Eugene

 Dear Eugene:
I thought you was a boy, but my friend say's you look like a girl in your photo? Also how old are you?
Janine
Aged 35 and 1/4

Dear Janine:
I am a boy. I am 28 years old.
Eugene

 Dear Eugene:
There's this girl at school. She's nice, but she's extremely ugly. I think she likes me. What do I do?
Cyrus

Dear Cyrus:
You should transfer schools. It will get very bad otherwise.
Eugene

 Dear Eugene:
Why am I always doing things I shouldn1t?

Dear Who Ever:
Because you are attracted to danger. You think it1s sexy, unless you are a child, then you just want instant gratification. Look where instant gratification brought Chairman Moa. He was at the height of his career and then he recorded that remake of Girls Just Want To Have Fun.

 Dear Eugene:
If capitalism isn't working , what is?
Pelvey.

Dear Pelvey:
Probably some form of socialist capitalism, where people1s hard earned money isn1t being snatched away by a tyrannical government, yet everyone has health care and shelter and snacks and a place to make out. I call this new system: sociocapaweeeeee! It is a fun government that has three basic rules:
1) No hitting.
2) Kids eat free.
3) Poor people aren1t allowed to swim.
Eugene

Dear Eugene:
Why is the sky blue?

Sivart

Dear Sivart:
Because during the day molecules in the air scatter blue light from the sun more than they scatter red light. When we look towards the sun at sunset we see red colours because the blue light has been scattered out and away from the line of sight.
Eugene

Dear Eugene:
Why is the Devil blue?
Sivart

Dear Sivart:
Same reason. Molecules in the air scatter the blue light from the Devil. However, most modern depictions of the Devil are at sunset, which is why he appears red in novels (Master and Margarita), films (Little Nicky), and songs (Devil Went Down To Georgia). You may recall the line: "Devil went down to Georgia/ He was looking for a soul to steal/ He was red."
Eugene

Dear Eugene:
should I leave my girlfriend
and go back to my husband
and four children
Zenbaby

Dear Zenbaby:
It depends. Do you have love in your heart? You should go back to at least two of the kids. The middle ones. The other two will be fine. The middle kids blame themselves for your separation. Children, in fact, often blame themselves whenever anything goes wrong. I know a kid who thinks the Middle East crisis is his fault. (It's not).
Your dilemma basically pits some of America's favorite issues together: lesbianism, motherhood, and marriage. In a way, you are lucky, because what you choose to do will be a blueprint for our government's official policy. Please let me know how it turns out!
Eugene

dear Eugene,
I was dating this guy who I really like but recently I have started to like his brother! what should I do? I don't want to make a mistake and ruin a good thing! please help!
from, lost and confused

Dear lost and confused:
If you don't want to mess up a good thing, then don't go out with his brother. However, if you change your mind and decide that you want to ruin your life, then have I got some suggestions for you!
You should tell the brother that you have a crush on him, but don't use the traditional, "I have a crush on you," method. Instead say something sexy and mysterious like, "This summer was so hot," or "Can you recommend a good doctor?" Make sure you wink while you say this stuff, otherwise, he won't get the hint!
Eugene

Hi Eugene.
On my first day at school, I sat down on the playground floor in my grey school shorts onto a wasp which stung the back of my thigh. It made me cry. This attracted lots of attention. I looked up and there were thousands of girls laughing and pointing at me.
Tell me if you think this has anything to do with the fact I now find it difficult to maintain a relationship with a girl.
Thanks.
John

Dear John:
No. I don't think it does. You sound slightly overweight. That's probably the reason. Good luck with everything.
Eugene

Dear Eugene:
I wuz once an 'igh powered Hegzekutiff but I iz now a cabbie
Can you 'elp ?
Love
Sean

Dear Sean:
No. I am not sure what the problem is. I think you have a typing accent and it is confusing. Good luck speaking and writing, I guess.
Eugene

Dear Eugene:
How old do you have to be to bake a decent pie?
Thanks,
Pete

Dear Pete:
Fourteen. If you don't believe me, you can look it up.
Eugene

Dear Eugene,
I work in the entertainment industry for a design firm that does posters and trailers and junk. I have a lot of pressure on me to sell and bring in work from the big studios.
How can I 1) get the attention of studio executives without kissing ass and 2) Undermine my boss, since he gets all the credit for my work?
Jack

Dear Jack:
You have an age old problem. How do you get the people who are above your boss to understand that it's your work that is so valuable?
Frame him for a crime. A fashion crime is easiest, but a real crime is more effective. Speak up in meetings and don't be shy about claiming responsibility for your work. Start more sentences with, "I thought of..." and end with "I am fun at parties."
Eugene

Dear Eugene:
The old man living next door keeps inviting me to come enjoy skinny-dipping in his apple pies? Should I go and if so should I roll myself in cinnamon before I do?
Thanks,
Filsdubu, Montreal-Quebec

Dear Filsdubu:
No. It sounds creepy. Also, cinnamon won't protect you, so don't bother.
Eugene

Dear Eugene:
I like monkeys. Oh and cheese. But not in that order. Do you like monkeys and/or cheese?
Max

Dear Max:
Fuck you. Just kidding. I ate something and can't breathe and got mad. Sorry.
Eugene

Dear Eugene
My wife will not let me get her another Women to play with in bed what shall I do?
Elk

Dear Elk:
You can't "get" a woman. That is not how it works, asshole. A woman is made from stuff around house.
Eugene

(8/20/02)
Dear Eugene,
I hear some people accusing me of not being hippy, now that I have cut my hair short, sleep more comfortably at night, own a car etc. Please, could you tell me what to do and how to become a real hippie again...?
Peace, love and apples,
Thomas, Sweden

Dear Thomas:
Here some things you can try to get back to your hippie roots:
1) Go hiking more.
2) Take one hour every day to meditate about your spirituality, which isn't religion, but isn't not religion.
3) Punch people in uniforms (excluding postal and McDonalds).
4) Smile when you have sex. Never frown, or cry.
5) Get high and yell at babies
6) Don't just "use" the bathroom, let the bathroom use you.
7) If communism comes up, say to people, "It's a great idea, but it hurts my tummy." Then cheer and do a trippy dance.

BONUS SUGGESTIONS:

8) Make a sign that says, "I hate police-boys!" and wave it in front of officials. If anyone asks about the "boys" part, fall asleep. DO NOT THROW UP.
9) Learn Kung-Fus (One Kung-Fu is consider bourgeois, two is hippie)
.